I've been thinking.  I participated in an outreach today.  We went to parking lots and washed people's windshields.  I was terrified.  That's not really my kind of thing.  But there was two things in particular that I found myself really thinking about.  First of all, while Christopher and I were washing one of the windshields, the owner came up and for a moment there, I thought she was going to hit us, but we explained to her that our church was doing this in order to serve the community.  She kept telling us that she didn't have any money and we kept telling her that we didn't want any money.  She finally got it in her head that all we wanted to do was serve her and not try to take her money and she warmed up to us.  She said that "These days, it's hard to find someone to do something for nothing."  How true...

Second of all, someone else in our group told the story of some people that they ran into.  As they were cleaning the windshield, the owners once again came up and wanted to know what they were doing.  They explained it to them and they said..."What does this have to do with church?"  This really got me thinking.  When people think of church, most times they don't think of people serving others.  How wrong is that?  Washing windshields and things like that should be what the church is about.  Churches should be centered around serving.  Washing windshields should have EVERYTHING to do with church and the body of Christ.  What have we as Christians been doing all this time?  We are losing those that we should be reaching.  If we are not serving, then what is the point?  Christ set the ultimate example of this.  If the world does not see the connection between servanthood and the church, we have failed.  Those people posed the question that I believe many people are asking.  We need to be able to answer that question and demonstrate the love of God in action.

Too often we underestimate the power of a touch, a smile, a kind word, a listening ear, an honest compliment, or the smallest act of caring, all of which have the potential to turn a life around.
       - Leo Buscaglia

Why is it that people ask how I am and then walk away as fast as they can when I say that I'm not really all that great?  Why do they see the pain in my eyes and then decide that they don't care?  Why do they pat me on the back and tell me to "hang in there" even though they haven't even asked what I'm going through?  How can they say, "I understand" when they haven't walked in my shoes, they haven't seen through my eyes, they haven't felt with my heart?  How can they say "things will get better" when they haven't felt my pain?  No one else is in my place but me.  If you don't care, do me a favor and leave me alone. 

For those of you who truly do care and have shown that, thank you.  None of that above refers to you and I deeply appreciate your concern.

Ok, honestly, can anything else go wrong?  I'm emotionally unstable enough as it is.  *sigh*  I found out recently that my grandfather is not doing well at all.  He had four mini strokes in a very short period of time and is not in his right mind.  Of anyone that I've ever known, he's been the most clear minded and healthy individual that I've ever known.  This is the last thing that I would have ever guessed could have happened.  He knows who people are, but he doesn't know anything that is going on around him.  He tried to make coffee in a frying pan, he didn't know where the bathroom was, and he almost drank clorox because he thought that it was something to drink (before someone stopped him).  I just can't imagine him like this.  My brain can't even fathom it.  The doctors say that it should be temporary, but that you can never tell.  They say that if he does return to his normal self, it will be 2-3 months.

This hurts...

I want my grandfather back.  I want his great big hugs.  I want him to tell me that he will be ok and that he will be in his right mind.  I want him to know what's happening on the day that I get married.  I don't know if I can handle seeing him like that.  It hurts....more than I can say.  Thanksgiving is coming up and I want to be able to give thanks for all the great things that have happened, but I can't help but think of all the rough times that I've been through and all the things that I don't want to be thankful for.

Pain...I guess you can't go through life without experiencing it, but does it really have to come in this way?  Do I really have to see a second grandparent suffer?  Do I really have to see the confusion in his eyes?  Do I have to go through this again?  I don't accept it.  I don't want it.  I don't need it.  I certainly don't understand it. 

I'm praying for a miracle....